Five dollar buyer’s remorse

Over the month of December, I fell into the habit of reading the BuzzFeed articles in my news feed about great gifts for under $20. I scrolled through endless crap, with a beginner’s optimism that I would find something useful. (Eventually I did, and found my extravagantly long phone charging cord.) Occasionally, I looked through Groupon, which most of the time I think is a scam, but on one of these scrolls I found what I thought was the deal to end all deals: a set of 4 stainless steel straws for $5.

I love the environment. And I love straws. My doctor told me to drink more water, which I find easier to do when I use a straw, but they are terrible for the environment, and I like the environment. So, reusable straw, right?

I used to have some reusable thick plastic straws I picked up a few years ago from World Market, but I’m down to my last one. I don’t know about you, but when I get down to the last of anything I like having around, it makes me anxious.

As I was waiting for my Groupon order to be mailed to me, I began thinking about how I prefer plastic straws to stainless steel. They feel better in my mouth, and against my teeth. Let me rephrase that. I THINK I like plastic better than stainless steel. I’ve never actually used a stainless steel straw, but for some reason, now that I’ve purchased some, I think I’ll hate it.

I’m so off my shopping game.

But I need new reusable straws, and these are practically indestructible, easy to clean, and just $5 for a pack of 4. Now that I’ve ordered them, I’m feeling guilty for having ordered them, because I’m certain I will hate them and they will be a waste of $5 at a time when I shouldn’t waste anything.

Adding to the $5 buyers’ remorse is that after months of not spending on anything but essentials, Christmas pulled me out of that groove. I went looking for stuff I don’t really need. I mean, I still have one reusable straw in the kitchen. Two, possibly, if I look harder.

It’s that feeling of being pulled off track that’s pissing me off. Like getting back into the habit of exercising after you’ve been away for several weeks, or getting back to your heart healthy habits after the holidays. I was doing so well with my wants vs. needs, and then Christmas struck.

I never used to look at Groupon when I worked. I didn’t have the time to. How ridiculous is it that now I’m unemployed, making little to no money, I’m looking for ways to separate myself from my money with non-essentials, five dollars at a time? It’s death by a thousand cuts from a stack of Post-it’s you thought you needed the last time you went to Staples for printer paper and ONLY printer paper.

On the flip side, it’s embarrassing to think about how much stuff I’ve purchased online over the years that didn’t get returned when it should have, because I was too busy with work. I just ate the cost. Here I am pissed that I let a $5 deal get me. Sometimes I don’t recognize myself.

The straws have arrived and it’s exactly as I thought. They taste like metal and they clank against your teeth in a shivering way, and they get REALLY cold if there is ice in your beverage.

Of course I found the extra plastic straw in another drawer as soon as they arrived. Heh.

File all of this under: “Don’t open Groupon you FOOL!”

The bullshit spending ends here.

Truly. I have enough.